I should say hi :)

Hello! :)
One of my favourite modes of photography, the sepia mode.
This was taken in Starbucks, on session with the sister.

self torture

Times when you just torture yourself with things you know you shouldn't because it'll cause harm to you.
Like a drug addict who begets all means to get drugs.
Like looking at a deceased loved one's photos only to cry and feel depressed.
Like looking at a loved one's photos with another person.
Like a prostitute who sells her body to strangers.
Like hating someone and being eaten and festered with hate.
Like a bulimic gorging on food only to throw up later.
Like an anorexic not eating when she should.
Like wanting to know news of somebody who gave you up and whom you know is never going to come back.
Like wondering all the what ifs that ever could be.
Like being scared to dream of something, yet you want to be able to dream so much that it hurts. But not wanting to dream because the more you dream, the more disappointed you get when all it remains at the end are shards of broken dreams. Sharp as glass, piercing not only your skin but to the very core of your heart.
Not even running away to the furtherst nook of the earth will help. Because it's inside of you.

memory lane and indecisiveness

Came back to Ipoh for the weekend. Restful.
Had the chance to take a walk down memory lane and I took it. Took a walk up to my secondary school's library. Sat down on the very benches that I'd sat over 9 years ago. Was it that long? Remembering the board meetings we had. Remembering the friends whom some have already lost touch or yet some whom are still great friends indeed.
Indecisiveness...
Grandpa was kind enough to get me a watch. Lovely lilac colored chronograph.
It was not working properly within the day. Had to exchange it. Wasn't too pleased. Anyhow, when we got to the watch shop, and got the details for exchanging and then...disaster!
I saw the white one which I thought wasn't nice this morning. Goodness knows why but it looked particularly appealing when I saw it just now. I stood like a dungu there for the longest time staring at both watches, couldn't decided which one to choose! Ughh...horrible.
Sometimes things work easier for me when there're no choices, ha!
In the end, everybody got impatient while waiting for me to choose. I stuck with the original lilac color, back to square one aren't we?
And to think when I told my friend, he said, "All you girls are like that!" (WHAT!!)

Havoc

You know how the feelings are when you see an ex boyfriend or someone you used to have a crush on and you still feel something? It's an annoyance. Especially when that particular someone's with another lady.
The lady may be a perfectly nice person, even your friend but somehow these feelings still wreaked your day. How about that?
Pictures of them lovey-dovey. It's not that you don't have a great life, but well...can't help wondering if you would be that happy if you were them.
You feel lousy because you feel guilty. You feel lousy because you know you shouldn't feel this way. You feel lousy because you know it's not right. You want to have some sort of end to this, and annoyingly it pops up when you feel least like dealing with it.
Thoughts run away with you. What if they get married and sent you an invitation. Would you go? Hell NO!
You've even thought of running away. Is England far enough? Sighh...the end of the world probably isn't far enough. What now?
The person who says time heals is a wise man indeed. But at times like these, can't time fly by instead of dragging by? It even feels like it's not moving.

What Ifs?

What ifs, life's full of it. What happens if I'd done turned right instead of turning left? Would I have avoided the accident?
What if I'd not taken lunch with my colleagues? I'd have missed out on the chance to enlist a colleague's help?
What if I'd not step into a relationship? Definitely it would've been different.
Do all girls have a dream guy that they would like to marry?
At least I do. Most of the time I think that the guy I would like to marry is too good for me. Is that why I didn't get him? Maybe I got something better.
But I'll always wonder when I see the dream guy, what if I'd ended up with him? Would I have floated on cloud 9 most of the time because this is what I dreamt of?
Or would it be a rude awakening? Knocking me back to my senses and thoughts that say, this is not what I dreamt of. It's not supposed to be like this!
Maybe romance and love is overrated.
But ain't it every little girl's dream to marry the dream guy? Ha!
Curiosity will always make one wonder, what if I'd make an iniatitive to snag that guy?
But you know? I can't bring myself to chase a guy, call me old fashioned, call me out dated, but I like to be courted, ha! So there.
Tell me, would you choose somebody who has little interest in you but because you made so much effort to be with him, he accepts and you're an item?
Or would you choose somebody who courts you, is patient with you even when you're not sure and who's tender with you, although you don't like him quite as much as the other one?

Moving on...

Finally, it’s official. My sister and I have moved out of our dear godmother’s home, leaving behind chubby little Esther, jovial pig mama and uncle. Therefore, I felt it appropriate to have some sort of closure to the previous ashleewong@blogspot as it has not been updated frequently, as of last year. For old posts do visit it again.
Last night was the 2nd night we slept in the new place. But on Wednesday night when we moved, I felt a grip of apprehension. Familiarity was all gone. We were moving to a new place! No familiar sights, no familiar eating places, no familiar potholes (somehow, I do manage to drive straight into them still!), instead unfamiliar territory, unfamiliar roads, unfamiliar foliage, unfamiliar houses and condominiums around.
I was horribly homesick that night. It was like wrenching out some roots and you know what? It hurts. I wanted to run back there. I tried to stay as long as I could when we packed, but it was getting late and we needed to go. We still had to sweep and mop the floor at our new place to prepare for the lorry that will be arriving with our beds, cupboards and tables.
Is it just me or the cycle of life? Even amidst the sadness, hope springs forth, not like a deer leaping gracefully but like a doe, peering shyly out from behind a bush.
Tender feelings began to take up places in my heart for our new home. At least it was ours. We could decorate it the way we want it, move the things where we want to, put up pictures of our own, have our own space.
Awakening a new chapter again…

Strictly Business

Ladies and Gentlemen, this phrase’s been rephrased, coined and it all boils down to meeting up. I wonder how many times a couple’s got together because of a strictly business meeting/appointment.
To give credit to the poor bosses and innocent employees, of course there are strictly business meetings per se.
By now, I should’ve set the theme for this site. It consists of random thoughts running through my head. May have absolutely nothing to do with what I’m doing at the moment. My brushes with nature, and life’s lessons, experiences, nostalgic weepy moments, joyful silly moments, embarrassing blushing moments, reflective thoughtful moments…
Might have gathered from the tone that this is a strictly business site-not!

*all posts and writings are strictly personal opinions of the writer.

Closed a Chapter

I just closed a chapter in my life.
I've always thought of my life as a book that is still being written co-authored by God.