self torture

Times when you just torture yourself with things you know you shouldn't because it'll cause harm to you.
Like a drug addict who begets all means to get drugs.
Like looking at a deceased loved one's photos only to cry and feel depressed.
Like looking at a loved one's photos with another person.
Like a prostitute who sells her body to strangers.
Like hating someone and being eaten and festered with hate.
Like a bulimic gorging on food only to throw up later.
Like an anorexic not eating when she should.
Like wanting to know news of somebody who gave you up and whom you know is never going to come back.
Like wondering all the what ifs that ever could be.
Like being scared to dream of something, yet you want to be able to dream so much that it hurts. But not wanting to dream because the more you dream, the more disappointed you get when all it remains at the end are shards of broken dreams. Sharp as glass, piercing not only your skin but to the very core of your heart.
Not even running away to the furtherst nook of the earth will help. Because it's inside of you.