I’ve been like a little dog lately, chasing my own tail. Well, not so little anymore. Half my well wishers for my birthday are calling me woman in their wishes this year. What is it that distinguishes a woman from a girl? Is it her age, is it her mannerisms, is it the dress, is it the way she holds herself, or is it in the way she finds and is comfortable with herself, is it in the way she holds herself and makes decisions, or is it the way she carries herself, finding her niche in this world, pursuing her dreams and finding new goals as she moves up? It is so subtle and yet, when a young girl reaches a certain level of maturity, people seem to sense it. How? The reasoning and thought seems to be as elusive as the wind, one can feel it, but one can never see it.
I’ve been floundering a little lately. I’ve been dissatisfied, scared, insecure, bordering on a mild case of depression and despairing of ever moving on. I was up till today.
People, friends around me have been talking about buying houses, getting married, planning to get married, changing jobs, being promoted…and where am I? In debt, stuck in a rut in my job and loving someone who doesn’t know I do.
What a way to welcome my birthday, it seems that year 2009 is the hardest I’ve to go through yet. And I do not understand. Aren’t I supposed to be a blessed child of God, His favored precious little princess? I am, so does that not mean that I get loads of money and all the favor and all the love? I thought so. I did.
Until I finally get the meaning of the phrase, “God’s not interested in the outcome; He’s interested in the process.” He wants me to learn how to handle problems, messiness, tackiness, trouble, insecurities. He wants me to learn how to overcome, to come out a better person, whether I am the winner or not, He wants me to learn grace, forgiveness, kindness, to develop my sense of compassion and character. *smacks forehead! Now why didn’t I realize that earlier? I must have heard a thousand and one sermons preached on this. Well, maybe not a thousand, that was an exaggeration, but I have heard quite a few sermons on this topic in my day.

Now, what? I read some work I had written in the past 2 years and I came across part of the lyrics of a song I heard at Easter this year.
“God is too great to be mistaken; God is good to be unkind. When you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plan, when you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.”
*smacks forehead again.
It was as if a burden, a heavy, heavy load was lifted up off my heart. I was sobbing, you didn’t know, you didn’t know how confused I was. Here I was carrying this heavy load here, and crying out to you for your deliverance and all I got was silence. How hard it was to bear. I wasn't sure He was going to get me out of this.
And I forgot, I literally forgot what the character of my God is. The part that struck me was, He’s too good to be unkind, and I’ve thought Him to be unkind, many times. I’ve asked him why did He let me suffer like this, why did He leave me to plod along like this.
Yes, I don’t see His plan, and I do not understand, I can’t trace His hand in all these. Why would He allow me to be bullied, why would He allow me to burden my parents, why would He allow me to carry the heartache of unrequited love? Why?
But the last phrase captures the essence of why I still believe in God. “Trust His heart.” At the heart of the matter, God whom I am able to call my God is good. If He is not good, what hope do I have? Therefore, it comes back to this, this one sentence that lifts me up again.
Now I know for sure, maybe a better word would be the word: realize. Yes, I realize now that God will not leave me to flounder for very long, but He did leave me for a little while, maybe to develop me, maybe to mold me. But He will take me through this, and I will be promoted, He will remove the obstacles or He will give me something better, I know so. The simple reason being, I’m His daughter and He loves me.

I was losing confidence in ever being loved in return. I don’t see His plans, I can’t trace His hand, and I sure as the weather is chilly don’t understand! But it comes back to this. Trust His heart. Trust in the Father heart.

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